My Voice

This blog post is an answer to a question that was asked of me due to something that I had said on Facebook. What I said was “If you could ask me one question, that I would give the total truthful answer to, what would that question be?” Someone asked me why I disliked my voice.
I find that most people really don’t like the sound of their voice when they hear it, and I am very much like that. For me, my voice doesn’t sound like I imagine the way that it sounds. I know that sounds strange, but that is how it is for me. I honestly can’t tell you how I think that it would sound, but when I hear it, it is much different.
I also don’t care for my voice because it puts me in a place that I don’t like, and that is being noticed. Most people like to stand out and be recognized, and in some ways I am the same way, but in many ways I like to be in the background or behind the scenes.
The first time that I can recall where my voice became something that people paid attention to happened when I was around 9 or 10 when I was accused of saying something, which I don’t think that I said but very well could of said, and a teacher and mom pointed out that when I talked, people would actually stop and listen. (Yeah I know, “When Clinton Speaks, everybody listens.”) I was going to a school where they would pick me up everyday in a van, and they told me to actually listen to what would happen when I spoke. I just knew that they didn’t know what they were talking about, but I figured that I would give it a try. Over the next few days I said very little on the ride, as I wasn’t sure if it was something that they had told the other students to do, and I figured that if I waited a few days then the others would of forgotten what they were told to do. About a week went by and I then remembered what was told to me, and I figured that it would be a great time to give it try. I struck up a conversation with one of the other students while still paying attention to the sounds of the others as we rode along. Sure enough, people became more and more quiet along and were paying attention to what I was saying. Now I don’t think that the conversation had anything to do with something that was quiet important, but the others listened like what I had to say was super important. This became interesting to me, as it made me wonder if they were really interested in what I had to say. I had to think deeply about this. I needed to come up with something that I knew would come back to me in someway and I knew it wouldn’t of come from someone else. I had to come up with a lie, but one that wouldn’t hurt anybody. I think that I spent a week thinking about what to say, and sure enough I knew what could be said.
One of the great things growing up that happened was the fact that my parents encouraged us kids to read, but it wasn’t by just putting a book in front of us and telling us to read it, but they lead by example by reading books themselves. The next time that my mom took us to the library, I looked through the books to find something that I would find interesting to read. I came across some book, and I skimmed through it. It looked interesting, but a choose another book that looked good to read when we left. The next time I got into the van, I asked someone what they had done since I last saw them, and they told me. I told them about this book, and acted like I had just started reading it and how good it was. Everyone listened and some said that they wanted to read the book also. Someone asked me to bring it and that we could read it out loud as we went back and forth to school. For a quick second I thought that I was caught, but I then said that I had to return the book back that night. When the van came the next day, I got in and the driver\teacher turned and handed me a copy of the book saying that he bought it so that we could read it while we traveled. I knew then that they were right in that people would listen to me when I spoke.
Over time I would pay attention as I spoke, and I noticed it happening in all kinds of situations, and it bothered me. A friend of mine mentioned my voice one day as he had noticed the same thing, and I asked them to explain it to me. They said that it was just something about the sound of my voice that they really couldn’t explain. I found myself talking less and less, and the sound of my voice is something that I paid attention to and found that it didn’t sound the way that I thought that it sounded.
While I was going through high school, several teachers said that I should be on the radio because of my voice, as they enjoyed listening to me speak. Ugh, the last thing that I really wanted was to be working a job where people would be listening to the thing that I really began to dislike. Now these teachers weren’t the first to say that to me, as I had heard the same thing from someone while I was in middle school from a couple of teachers.
During high school there was a girl I had some classes with who liked me, and I liked her. We were talking one day, and she mentioned my voice. I asked her about it. She said it was my voice that she really liked, as it was so deep and sounded sexy. She then said that it wasn’t my looks or anything else that caused her to like me, but it was my voice. Now this might sound stupid to some, but that really hurt me to hear. In the way that she said it, I knew that if I wanted to get her into bed I could easily do it, but even as a horny teen I knew that I wanted more than just sex in a relationship, and knew that if some slick guy came along with the looks and more, she would be jumping in bed with him and basically just keeping me around as backup if things didn’t work there. I didn’t and still don’t want to be the “Back Up Plan and Desire”, I wanted and still want to be the one a woman desires as I only desire to be with her.
Over time I learned how to us my voice to get what I want at times, but I knew that it was and is wrong of me to take advantage of things to get what I want and hurt others.
Over the internet I have met a number of people, and one night I talked to someone that I had met online. Now I don’t recall how she managed to hear my voice, but she stated referring to me as Chef, as she said that I sounded alike like the character on the tv show South Park. Oh it came back to my voice again, UGH!!! Now I knew that nothing would ever happen between us, as she was (and still is) very happily married.
I went into some video chat rooms and from time to time the host would want to bring my on camera with them. What I would often hear is about is how much they loved me voice. If people would be in the room who had heard me saw that I was there, sure enough they would request that I be put on the show also just so that they could hear my voice. At one place, the women would refer to me as “Big Sexy” after one of them said that is what I sounded like, and in fact to this day still calls me “Big Sexy”. But what I suddenly realized was they these women would want to hear my voice while they “lusted” for another guy in the room, so I stopped allowing people to bring my voice up.
But this voice thing has surfaced again over the last 6 months or so. Someone said that they would love to hear me do a podcast where I would just talked, as they liked my voice. I jokenly asked what I would talk about, and she replied that I could talk about chairs or other stuff, it was that she enjoyed listening to me talk and my voice, and that I could make anything sound interesting. So as a joke, I did a podcast where I had pulled up the history of chairs in Wikipedia and read it. Not only did she like it, but several others commented on how much they enjoyed it. I would never think that anyone would have interest in hearing someone talk about the history of chairs…
Not long ago, someone I know was trying to do a live video show somewhere, and she was having trouble doing it. Somehow she had muted herself, but someone mentioned that they could hear me. She finally got herself unmuted and I said something. She started laughing, and said something to the effect that I sounded like Chef from South Park. The thing is, she had met me face-to-face about a year ago, so she knows exactly what I sound like in person…
I don’t think that my voice would bother me so much, but it seems to be the one thing that people seem to get stuck on with me. At times I understand women when they feel as though they are looked upon as a piece of meat, but in my cause it seems as though I am just looked upon as just a voice…
OK Phyllis, I hope that this answers your question as to why I don’t like my voice.
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